Just when everyone was beginning to think that Catholicism was a dying religion with majority of its devout members in their 80s and the rest content with attending mass on Christmas, along comes ultra conservative, pure bred Catholic boy, Rick Santorum. He is a modern day Crusader, upholding the Catholic tradition and killing his way through the secular world that is standing in his way like a Muslim in the holy land. In a metaphorical (or maybe not) sense, he’s totally down with violating the 6th amendment in the name of the Lord.
And nowadays, when you’re used to seeing more modern “neo-Christian” groups verbally sending sinners to hell, he takes the spear of judgment and stabs it straight in the heart of anyone that thinks differently than he does; paving the path of self-righteousness for Catholics once again. Not even the golden Mormon, Mitt Romney can keep up with the amount of outdated religious doctrine this guy spews out on a nightly basis.
While this was not the norm for any Catholics that I’ve grown up with, Rick Santorum fights the good fight for those that follow the pope and says NO. He says no to contraceptives, even if you’re trying to reduce the risk of cervical cancer. He says no to the thought gay marriage. Basically, Rick says no to anything that can overcompensate for a lifetime full of bitterness because of his struggles to find his penis inside of a vagina.
Ladies and gents, this man knows the modern day beatitudes and lives them too. We are called to make the life of a white man as easy as possible. We are called to withhold the value of religion no matter how many constitutional principles you how to flush down the toilet like a glob of gooey santorum (if you don’t already know, I’ll explain in the next paragraph). We are called to uphold the sanctity of marriage by ensuring that birth control is least affordable for those that need to control it the most.
Adding to the irrelevant state that is his campaign, he’s made contraception and his strict reproductive-only stance one of the biggest talking points of his recent campaign. Most likely to get the religious majority, but perhaps also that people don’t get any crazy ideas due to his last name being synonymous with a certain product created by two guys bumpin’ nasties.
Google “santorum” (do it). I know you probably think the search engine will come up with something along the lines of, bitter, ugly white man who had trouble getting tang in college and now he gets back at the world by trying every measure to enact laws that make it as difficult as is for him get laid. Actually, in this instance, google search spreads the frothy truth. Yes sir, one hefty glob of santorum will be enough to make even the writers of disgusting blogs puke (same as listening to one of his speeches).
Although listening to this dude talk about intercourse like he’s had hefty experience is laughably entertaining, it’s the extreme Catholicism that comes out in the man, that always making the highlight reel. Basically, both of these candidates are about as Christ loving as Pontius pilot when it comes down to it, but us Catholics are known to put up a battle when it comes to religiousness. This is not a race about antics my friends. None of the candidates run on actual, Christ like platforms of helping the poor, but have more belligerent followers than Jesus after everyone heard about that whole water into wine thing (the most appealing tale to Catholic ears). And you can’t help but love Santorum, not because of the size of the dog in this fight and his realistically small chance of winning, but for the size of the fight in the dog (Woof woof!)
The beauty of the whole situation is, that in a race between a Mormon and a catholic, the catholic is whipping and crucifying (metaphorically; don’t be ridiculous) this latter-day saint to his sacrimonial death. Joseph Smith and the entire state of Utah are rolling in their grave when they see Rick Bible thumping his way to the top over Romney one queer smack by the fist of god at a time. That’s right, the guy who belongs to a religion that is responsible for prop 8 and gay bashing dead soldiers is being out-homophobed by a religion that regularly makes headlines for sex abuse scandals involving priests and young boys and a following that makes up 4/5 of the world’s alcoholics.
But isn’t this how it’s supposed to be? Catholics will always come ahead in the end because of a lack of shame and the insane amount of guilt covered up by the idea that if you say sorry, it’s all cool. No matter how badly Santorum loses the actual political race and well, votes, Romney will walk away knowing that he got religion sharted in his face harder than santorum producing sex. Catholics are simply the greatest when it comes to making up bullshit, and pulling out irrelevant doctrines in order to judge and shove dogma down anyone’s throat without adhearing to any kind of rationality.
This is the religion that made arrogance look cool long before the first frat guy popped his collar and called it a party. Shit, the Old Testament pretty much invented eternal judgment and the ignorance of original sin (Noah’s Arch, for one) to prove to others that you’re not as good as me. And the most glorious thing of all happens when we nonchelauntly go back to praying when it’s convenient for us and believing that our menial deeds gets us somewhere. So all you latter-day saints and modern conservatards that make up the Evangelical base can take your fear of Muslims and your closet homosexuality and shove it! Us Catholics have a first class ticket to heaven because we say sorry twice a year and it’s a Friday during Lent and I haven’t eaten meat.